On Coming Back
Returning to the practice, meeting limitations, and the magic of ‘beginners’ mind’
[Guest post by Ema Sibikina]
Things are opening up again, and we’re coming back. It’s certainly not quite “back to normal” but even so I often feel like there’s a pressure to be jubilant about returning to many of our old habits and activities, which we don’t always necessarily feel. It’s complicated!
Coming back can be very hard. Let’s talk about coming back to the yoga practice after a break - which so many of us have experienced in the last year and a bit. When life or greater circumstances get in the way and keep you away from your practice, the longer you're away the harder and harder it is to come back. The minute you step on your mat you’re faced with your limitations and the shadows of what you used to be able to do, and for so many of us it can stop us wanting to start up again. When you’ve had strength and then you lost it, it feels so debilitating. You know you used to be able to do it, and the memory is in your muscles and in your body, when you go to do the movement you used to, it doesn’t happen.
Many of you know that I had a baby last year, right in the middle of lockdown. So all of my habits went right out of the window, due to a combination of complex and challenging factors!
When I was pregnant I was quite excited about modifying my practice, making space for transition and supporting the amazing things going on inside. When the baby came I took a break to recover, then after a week or two I started doing some gentle moves to make space for myself mentally and physically. Soon, however, I felt pressure (from inside most of all I guess) to get back - or at least, start the process of getting back. And of course, it was not the same. I was suddenly weak in all sorts of unexpected places! (as well as expected places.) I felt heavy, weak, baggy and bulky, not like the feeling of easiness and lightness in the body that I so enjoyed about asana practice before.
It would have been really easy to focus on that, and get weighed down not only by my weakness and excess weight, but also by thoughts of inadequacy and impatience. I think back now to those early weeks and months of returning to the practice and I thank my past self for taking it one day at a time and not beating myself up (too much). It’s been about 13 months or so since I returned to practice although it’s not been consistent by any means. I really struggle to organise life to fit in the long luxurious practice that I used to do. Often I see other people who have gone back to what they used to do much more quickly than me and I have to try and tell myself that I’m only working with what I’ve got - timewise, and energywise.
Practising with my daughter at home…
After over a year I’m still working on the return to practice and I feel like I’m building things slowly back up. Sometimes it does feel insurmountable and just plain annoying to climb a hill that you’ve already climbed, but also this journey has brought some remarkable discoveries for me that I wanted to share - especially if you too are coming back to your practice after a break, after lockdown, or anything else. I feel like these approaches might make it easier to come back and even more rewarding than just moving forward.
Especially at the very beginning after my daughter was born I had minimal time for practice and so if I managed to find 15 minutes, I thought - How can I get the most out of this precious practice time? How can I get the most out of each posture? What I did was try and let each posture, especially the simple ones (cause that was all I actually had time for), be as full and as conscious as possible. How much could I fill the shape with breath, could I find a new corner to inhabit, could I be totally in the posture? As a result I found a new love for postures that I had found awkward and boring, like Virabhadrasana A or Janu Sirsasana C - I wouldn’t rush through them to the sexier ones that come later, cause I knew I wouldn’t have time for them or even be able to do them. So I stayed with the simpler places and over time, they got stronger and richer and more interesting.
I was forced by my limitations in time and body to find joy in the simplicity of the basics. Thanks to that, I now feel like I’m coming back much stronger and more solid.
I’ve read before about women coming back from pregnancy to a stronger practice than before and I can’t speak for everyone but I think it’s this imposed simplification and methodical rebuilding process that (re)lays the foundation for a strong practice.
I am talking a lot about pregnancy and post-natal but I believe that this experience is relevant for all of us, now, returning after lockdown. Studios are reopening, in-person classes are restarting, and we’re invited to come back - but it can feel really intimidating!
That’s me in the middle of the Mysore room last week!
I went to my first in-person Mysore class last week and besides the giddy excitement of practising in the community again (and having a baby free space to concentrate!) the thing I noticed most of all was all the tightnesses and weaknesses in my body which I never ever felt before. Stubborn tightness in new places, weaknesses that persist despite my best efforts. But in a way, it’s satisfying to feel - it’s a novel experience and something to be present with.
I think that no matter what we’re coming back from, returning to a practice can be an amazing opportunity to rebuild from the ground up. How magical to be a beginner again! We’ve all heard of the value of ‘beginners’ mind’ - well here it is, we have the chance to practice this right here and now.
If fear has been stopping you from coming back to your practice and coming back to the studio, I feel you, believe me. But know that the practice is there, waiting for you. Your breath is there for you, it never left. Your community is there for you. We’re all coming back - at different stages, in different expressions, but we’re all on that journey and ready to support each other through the highs and lows, the hiatuses - and the joyful returns.